I woke up at 5:30 today. It was retarded. Why I woke up at 5:30. I'll never know
But I fell back asleep and woke up again.
But waaaay too late. 8:20 actually
I leave for school at 8, so it wasn't a very good start to the day.
I was hoping today would be better, seeing as last night I was up till 3 bawling in bed about nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdtUR_KibEs
thats what triggered the crying.
The part that really gets to me is when he yells "So leave me"
whenever he mentions the leaving thing during this song I cry harder than ever.
When I first heard it I thought it was a love song...about a girl.
But at the concert Josh said it was about his heroin addiction when he was 17.
And that made me cry at the show.
Anyways.
so 8:20 this morning. I jump out of bed. fall over cause I trip on everything cause my eyes are so fucking swollen from last night. I stay in what I wore to bed. throw on my zebra sweater, brush my teeth. slop on some eyeliner. grab 10 bucks and leave.
without my keys
got to school just in time for class.
school seemed to go by too fast today.
but through most of science I was scratching with no nails and writing down the lyrics to lover dearest instead of listening to shit about covalent bonds.
lunch was boring
like always
I didn't go by Tim Hortons
so I couldn't be reminded about someone
but I was thinking about him anyways.
and how badly I felt I fucked up...which helped the crying last night.
after school I get to the apartment and realize
oh fuck. I dont have keys
so I call sydney
shes out with lydia somewhere and wont be home for a while
so I go to highpark and just walk till I find somewhere I want to sit.
walking through highpark is so depressing
everyone is cuddled on blankets with the one they love
and sitting on benches holding hands
and walking and kissing and huging and laughing and smiling
in the middle of all of this is shelby. almost crying.
I finally found what I wanted to find
which was the tree that looks like its pregnant.
I love that tree
It's right by the pond. I was hoping to see some ducks but I didn't see any as I was walking to the tree.
Then I saw them.
I sat right at the edge of the water. right infront of the geese and ducks.
they were not scared at all
it was really nice.
and death cab wasn't on my ipod anymore.
now it was the songs that make me cry
I hated crying last night. but I wanted it again.
I don't even know why.
I just wanted to cry right there. alone
before I could get into an intense crying moment
some fucking kids ran up to the geese
scared most away.
threw rocks at them. spat on them.
I wanted to kill those kids for hurting the birds
and after that it was like everyone coming to see the birds
I wasn't alone anymore
which meant no crying.
I could have gone back to the pregnant tree, where I would be alone
But it felt like the birds understood how much I needed someone right then.
a bunch of them sat all around me. It was nice
then I started thinking about everything
mainly this boy.
I really don't like how much I think about him
but today was good.
I don't think anything has changed with us
I know I told him I did
cause for a while it felt like ever since he told me he liked me it was less cute and more ignoring.
and that's why I was reading through old conversations
cause I miss him calling me cute all the time. I miss him wanting to call me.
and it didn't feel the same.
But I thought about it today
and he does call my cute. he is still sweet
I was changing it
It's like I wanted to start drama
like I wanted to fuck it all up
to prove to myself that I don't deserve to be happy. or to feel loved. or liked. or whatever.
But I do....don't I?
I deserve to have someone who cares about me
someone who wants to be with me
I was just making it up. to make my life more dramatic
and I don't like that
It made me think of another Marianas Trench song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h_Gde6XB9E
I love this song
it's kinda how I feel now
like
"And I can't find my breathe, can we just say the rest with no sound."
"And I do want you know I think you'd be good to me and I'd be so good to you."
"Maybe it's me, maybe I only see, what I want"
that last one is so me
I make up things and feelings all the time
and I hate it
cause it just hurts me over and over again.
as I left high park I felt like crying again.
but I couldn't mum was home
and she had already sent a text asking if I was okay
which I'm not
but I have to act like I am
or she'll think it's all because of dad
which it is not.
there was more that I wanted to write...about the boy.
but I forgot
I'm just gonna let him be
and just let whatever happen, happen.
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