Day Dreamer

isn't working too well

just more bullshit
ah...ohwell.

I'll just continue to try my hardest to stay happy.
starting now


this is gonna fail so bad :(

why my blog is so sad.

I really don't know. I guess I just write about all the shitty stuff going on in my life and totally ignore the good stuff.

Like today for example. Sure, there was some shitty things. But instead of making this post about the shitty things.. I'm only going to mention the good things.

I've been at this Photography workshop since monday. Tomorrow is the last day.
I'm surprised at how much I've been enjoying it. Today I took like 100 pictures of some flowers and shit. It was really fun and I have some amazing photos to show from it. Some photos that I'm actually proud of.

I had some apple juice.
The kind in those little boxes.
Those can always make me smile, even when I'm feeling down.
Apple Juice is my best friend ever.


And the thing that has really made today good.
A cute boy smiled at me on the subway. The best part about it is I wasn't even looking for him.
I'll admit it.
Most days on the subway I'm always trying to get a guy to look at me. To make me feel better about myself. And I never find it.
But today I walked into the train and just stood there. I got a feeling someone was looking at me.
I look up and there is this cute guy looking at me.
At first he looked surprised that I looked back at him. Then he gave me a shy smile. And I smiled back.

I've made 2 decisions today

1)
I'm going to stop focusing on all the crappy stuff and focus on the good stuff. I don't remember how it was brought up with my mom, but I came to the conclusion that if you're always trying to make the bad things better, you'll completely forget about the good things. But if you focus more on the good things, and try to make them even better, it will over power the bad things.
(I felt super smart for coming up on this by myself)

2)
I'm going to stop looking for things and just let them come to me instead. For years I've been looking for friends and looking for boys and looking for happiness. But I never really got it, cause I was looking so hard. People (such as my mom) have told me that I need to stop looking for it. I never believed them. But now I do. I guess you have to experience something to believe it.


anyways
I hope that wasn't sad.
I tried :)

I just did something stupid
why?
I don't know

I don't want to die.
I just want...to stop feeling everything

but I have a headache
taking even more tylenol would not be smart

this headache is getting worse and worse
I'm tempted...
but I don't think I'll do it....

about.. a lot of things right now.
I don't know exactly what is is.
But I'm still feeling like I'm fucking everything up
like being here with dad
I'm supposed to spend time with him... and talk to him.
But I'm not.

I'm pushing him away

for example
yesterday
he tried to hug me. and I pushed him off of me.
not just a little push.
a big one. he almost fell over.

I know as soon as I get back to mums she's gonna ask me how it went
what does she want me to say?
"yeah mom, it was great"
I don't know why. But I just feel like I can't get close with my dad anymore
cause everytime I do....I fuck it up

Like when we went to Bermuda
That whole time I felt like we were becoming so much closer.
then on the day we leave he fucking tells me he had a girlfriend for the past 6 months
And suddenly...everything that happened in Bermuda totally disappeared

I wonder how it makes him feel that the only thing that I can remember from that trip is him telling us about fucking Sandra


I don't even know how I feel about him.
The only reason I'm in this fucking house is for this room
The only place on the entire planet that I can go and be by myself
The only place I can just sit and cry and not have to worry about anything
The only place I can escape from the world

I need this place...


Bubba wants to take me shopping for my birthday
she gave me 100 dollars cash in a cute little "Happy Birthday Granddaughter" card.
I don't want to go shopping
I feel fat in everything I try on
nothing fucking fits the way I want it to.
Either my boobs are too big
or my fucking thighs are too big

I wish for once something didn't fit because I was too small

I feel so ugly and gross and fat all the time.
I honestly would rather be anyone else but me.

plus...I've been feeling like I really need to....uhm.
and I can't go shopping if there is fucking...whatever



I wish I could just crawl into a deep dark whole forever
no one would even notice I was gone anyways

nevermind

that the only guys who ever seem interested in me are the sluts
the ones who go around telling all the girls the exact same thing

they're good talkers
good liars
good actors

they make you believe you're the only one

when in reality
you're only one of the 5 he's already told this too


Dear Fakegod
can I have one good boy please
just one...that's all I need
I don't think I could handle being a lesbian.

-Shelby

was my birthday

16 doesn't feel any different from 15
I need to stop expecting so much from things

and come to think of it, people too.

mehh, let's just hope 16 is gonna be better than 15