Day Dreamer

isn't working too well

just more bullshit
ah...ohwell.

I'll just continue to try my hardest to stay happy.
starting now


this is gonna fail so bad :(

why my blog is so sad.

I really don't know. I guess I just write about all the shitty stuff going on in my life and totally ignore the good stuff.

Like today for example. Sure, there was some shitty things. But instead of making this post about the shitty things.. I'm only going to mention the good things.

I've been at this Photography workshop since monday. Tomorrow is the last day.
I'm surprised at how much I've been enjoying it. Today I took like 100 pictures of some flowers and shit. It was really fun and I have some amazing photos to show from it. Some photos that I'm actually proud of.

I had some apple juice.
The kind in those little boxes.
Those can always make me smile, even when I'm feeling down.
Apple Juice is my best friend ever.


And the thing that has really made today good.
A cute boy smiled at me on the subway. The best part about it is I wasn't even looking for him.
I'll admit it.
Most days on the subway I'm always trying to get a guy to look at me. To make me feel better about myself. And I never find it.
But today I walked into the train and just stood there. I got a feeling someone was looking at me.
I look up and there is this cute guy looking at me.
At first he looked surprised that I looked back at him. Then he gave me a shy smile. And I smiled back.

I've made 2 decisions today

1)
I'm going to stop focusing on all the crappy stuff and focus on the good stuff. I don't remember how it was brought up with my mom, but I came to the conclusion that if you're always trying to make the bad things better, you'll completely forget about the good things. But if you focus more on the good things, and try to make them even better, it will over power the bad things.
(I felt super smart for coming up on this by myself)

2)
I'm going to stop looking for things and just let them come to me instead. For years I've been looking for friends and looking for boys and looking for happiness. But I never really got it, cause I was looking so hard. People (such as my mom) have told me that I need to stop looking for it. I never believed them. But now I do. I guess you have to experience something to believe it.


anyways
I hope that wasn't sad.
I tried :)

I just did something stupid
why?
I don't know

I don't want to die.
I just want...to stop feeling everything

but I have a headache
taking even more tylenol would not be smart

this headache is getting worse and worse
I'm tempted...
but I don't think I'll do it....

about.. a lot of things right now.
I don't know exactly what is is.
But I'm still feeling like I'm fucking everything up
like being here with dad
I'm supposed to spend time with him... and talk to him.
But I'm not.

I'm pushing him away

for example
yesterday
he tried to hug me. and I pushed him off of me.
not just a little push.
a big one. he almost fell over.

I know as soon as I get back to mums she's gonna ask me how it went
what does she want me to say?
"yeah mom, it was great"
I don't know why. But I just feel like I can't get close with my dad anymore
cause everytime I do....I fuck it up

Like when we went to Bermuda
That whole time I felt like we were becoming so much closer.
then on the day we leave he fucking tells me he had a girlfriend for the past 6 months
And suddenly...everything that happened in Bermuda totally disappeared

I wonder how it makes him feel that the only thing that I can remember from that trip is him telling us about fucking Sandra


I don't even know how I feel about him.
The only reason I'm in this fucking house is for this room
The only place on the entire planet that I can go and be by myself
The only place I can just sit and cry and not have to worry about anything
The only place I can escape from the world

I need this place...


Bubba wants to take me shopping for my birthday
she gave me 100 dollars cash in a cute little "Happy Birthday Granddaughter" card.
I don't want to go shopping
I feel fat in everything I try on
nothing fucking fits the way I want it to.
Either my boobs are too big
or my fucking thighs are too big

I wish for once something didn't fit because I was too small

I feel so ugly and gross and fat all the time.
I honestly would rather be anyone else but me.

plus...I've been feeling like I really need to....uhm.
and I can't go shopping if there is fucking...whatever



I wish I could just crawl into a deep dark whole forever
no one would even notice I was gone anyways

nevermind

that the only guys who ever seem interested in me are the sluts
the ones who go around telling all the girls the exact same thing

they're good talkers
good liars
good actors

they make you believe you're the only one

when in reality
you're only one of the 5 he's already told this too


Dear Fakegod
can I have one good boy please
just one...that's all I need
I don't think I could handle being a lesbian.

-Shelby

was my birthday

16 doesn't feel any different from 15
I need to stop expecting so much from things

and come to think of it, people too.

mehh, let's just hope 16 is gonna be better than 15

but lying doesn't = caring

you don't lie to someone you care about
you don't hurt them by telling them you don't have feelings for them anymore
when really you do

fuck
why couldn't you hurt just her instead?


I thought we had something :(

remember that boy?
fuck him and everything I ever said about him
he never cared
he never will

went to live with dad for the weekend
that went to shit
he's not going to change. he mentally and emotionally can not change the way he treats me
and I dont even care anymore
he's never acted like a father...so why do I think that's gonna change now


can I please have a good guy in my life?
just one
and can he come soon please
I'm about to fucking lose it

almost falling asleep and playing with Alanas iPod touch...which I'm hoping to have one of my own in about 12 days.
And fucking Mr. Jones is being his smilely self teaching the kids things that they should have learned in grade 3.
And treating all of us like were idiots
"Do. You. Know. What. A. Herbivore is?"
-____-
no fucking shit

And then I started thinking about how I have to see dad tomorrow
which I'm REALLY not looking forward to.
cause I know as soon as I see him
I'm going to feel either
a) angry and want to punch him straight in the face
b) sad and want to run into his arms and give him a huge hug
or c) totally emotionless

I hope it's c
but most likely it's gonna be b with a little a.

not fun at all
so I started to cry
thank god I sit in the back corner of the class room
Mr Jones even said to me at the end of the class that I'm so quiet at the back that he forgot I was there.
which means he didn't see me crying
which is good

and I finally got to eat something
which again is good


I miss nora

didn't have dinner last night
stayed up late working on comic for english
woke up late
got to school late
didn't have a lunch
had no money to get home
walked for a straight hour to get home
blisters on the bottom of my feet
no money when I get home

I call sydney
and shes like "come down to the pool"
if I'm going to sit in the sun for a few hours I'm gonna need something to eat. cause I already feel like I'm going to pass out.
so I ask her if there is any food or money
she says no
so I asked her if she ate anything today
"yeah. mum gave me $20 this morning"
mum only gave me $4

so that feels nice
I know I shouldn't be mad about money
but it's not the money thing
it's the food
I'm sorry if maybe I'm kinda hungry, cause I havent eaten in over 24 hours.

sydney comes back from the pool
I open the door for her and instead of saying "sorry about not having any money left over" she says
"ew. Shelby, you're so fat"

so I pushed her out the door
and locked both locks
which she doesn't have keys for.

I'm not going to sit around and let her say shit like that to me.

I'll look at the time randomly
and it will be 11:11
I've seen it at least once a day for the past 2 weeks

and I keep wishing for the same thing...

doubt it's gonna happen,
but a girl can dream, right? : )

I hate it when people just stop talking to you. You feel like you want to say something to them instead, but because of how the last conversation ended you feel it would be more appropriate for them to say something first.
But obviously they never do.

So I'm sitting here, wondering what the fuck I did.
well...I did a few things.
but...I mean
If he didn't like me anymore...he would have said something about it, right?
yes.
of course he would..
no.
of course he wouldn't..
he's too nice. and keeps shit to himself.

I just wish he would say something to me.
to let me know he hasn't totally forgotten about me

I'm thinking about this kid way too much

for the second time I've checked lw since I left
the first time was for Lallypops topic

And this time I wanted to check my whiteboard to see if anyone had noticed
I started to cry.
yes. stupid. I know.

But I missed Aaron so much.
And seeing that he wrote something totally made me feel so much better

but now I'm starting to cry more...cause I really need someone to talk to.
I don't even know why I'm in such a down mood anymore...

but it's making me hate myself even more.


I need someone so bad
I feel so fucking alone

fucking stupid Sue.
fucking sending Wilson away.
my only true guy friend ever.
me and Wilson have been friends for what. 4 years now.
he's my longest friend in Toronto.
and his fucking mother is fucking sending him away to Harvey.
I think he might end up killing him.
seriously.
Harvey is not a good guy.

Am I the only one who can see how amazing Wilson is? and how much he deserves a loving family.

Sue has no idea how much this will affect people here. like me.

When Wilson told me I wanted to cry.
I just wanted to grab him and hug him as hard as I could and just cry.

I know we barely talk anymore
but I love that kid.

I'm going to miss him so much.

Hey Sue. Take fucking responsibility for how much you've fucked up your family. Sending the kid that is trying to help the mess you've made will not make it go away. Never will. So fucking do something that will actually HELP your fucked up family. Wilson is the most sane of them all...and that's a surprise to most people.

Fix your shit.

I woke up at 5:30 today. It was retarded. Why I woke up at 5:30. I'll never know
But I fell back asleep and woke up again.
But waaaay too late. 8:20 actually
I leave for school at 8, so it wasn't a very good start to the day.
I was hoping today would be better, seeing as last night I was up till 3 bawling in bed about nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdtUR_KibEs
thats what triggered the crying.
The part that really gets to me is when he yells "So leave me"
whenever he mentions the leaving thing during this song I cry harder than ever.
When I first heard it I thought it was a love song...about a girl.
But at the concert Josh said it was about his heroin addiction when he was 17.
And that made me cry at the show.

Anyways.
so 8:20 this morning. I jump out of bed. fall over cause I trip on everything cause my eyes are so fucking swollen from last night. I stay in what I wore to bed. throw on my zebra sweater, brush my teeth. slop on some eyeliner. grab 10 bucks and leave.
without my keys

got to school just in time for class.
school seemed to go by too fast today.
but through most of science I was scratching with no nails and writing down the lyrics to lover dearest instead of listening to shit about covalent bonds.

lunch was boring
like always
I didn't go by Tim Hortons
so I couldn't be reminded about someone
but I was thinking about him anyways.
and how badly I felt I fucked up...which helped the crying last night.

after school I get to the apartment and realize
oh fuck. I dont have keys
so I call sydney
shes out with lydia somewhere and wont be home for a while

so I go to highpark and just walk till I find somewhere I want to sit.

walking through highpark is so depressing
everyone is cuddled on blankets with the one they love
and sitting on benches holding hands
and walking and kissing and huging and laughing and smiling
in the middle of all of this is shelby. almost crying.

I finally found what I wanted to find
which was the tree that looks like its pregnant.
I love that tree
It's right by the pond. I was hoping to see some ducks but I didn't see any as I was walking to the tree.
Then I saw them.

I sat right at the edge of the water. right infront of the geese and ducks.
they were not scared at all
it was really nice.
and death cab wasn't on my ipod anymore.
now it was the songs that make me cry
I hated crying last night. but I wanted it again.

I don't even know why.
I just wanted to cry right there. alone
before I could get into an intense crying moment
some fucking kids ran up to the geese
scared most away.
threw rocks at them. spat on them.
I wanted to kill those kids for hurting the birds

and after that it was like everyone coming to see the birds
I wasn't alone anymore
which meant no crying.
I could have gone back to the pregnant tree, where I would be alone
But it felt like the birds understood how much I needed someone right then.
a bunch of them sat all around me. It was nice

then I started thinking about everything
mainly this boy.
I really don't like how much I think about him
but today was good.
I don't think anything has changed with us
I know I told him I did
cause for a while it felt like ever since he told me he liked me it was less cute and more ignoring.
and that's why I was reading through old conversations
cause I miss him calling me cute all the time. I miss him wanting to call me.
and it didn't feel the same.
But I thought about it today
and he does call my cute. he is still sweet
I was changing it
It's like I wanted to start drama
like I wanted to fuck it all up
to prove to myself that I don't deserve to be happy. or to feel loved. or liked. or whatever.
But I do....don't I?
I deserve to have someone who cares about me
someone who wants to be with me
I was just making it up. to make my life more dramatic
and I don't like that

It made me think of another Marianas Trench song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h_Gde6XB9E
I love this song
it's kinda how I feel now
like
"And I can't find my breathe, can we just say the rest with no sound."
"And I do want you know I think you'd be good to me and I'd be so good to you."
"Maybe it's me, maybe I only see, what I want"

that last one is so me

I make up things and feelings all the time
and I hate it
cause it just hurts me over and over again.

as I left high park I felt like crying again.
but I couldn't mum was home
and she had already sent a text asking if I was okay
which I'm not
but I have to act like I am
or she'll think it's all because of dad

which it is not.

there was more that I wanted to write...about the boy.
but I forgot
I'm just gonna let him be
and just let whatever happen, happen.

rain has always been able to make...or help me cry.
and right now...I need to cry.
I need to cry and just release. in a healthy way.
If I don't have a big cry tonight I'm afraid I might-nevermind...

since it's pretty sunny I will have to make my own rain
I plan to just sit in the shower for like 2 hours
blast some Death Cab, think about shit and cry.

let's hope this works...if not....I'll have to find something....

well..It was going right. but it fucked up
it's like everything was doing great but it died
shit with mum
shit with dad
shit with a guy
it's that last one that's got me most upset
call me an idiot
I. Don't. Care.
so fucking what. I like someone on the internet.
someone I will most likely never meet
and the chances that I ever do, it wont be for a while.

But I keep doing that thing that I do
where I imagine something amazing happening.
for example
meeting this guy.
and it all seems so perfect and just....wow.
but then I snap back
and realize

It's not gonna happen

kinda...not really though.

I started summer school the other day. 2 days so far and I'm ready to rip off my face.
I know like 6 kids in my Science class.
and like 2 in my English class, but I dont talk to them...not at all.

It's awkward....

haha
but the weirdest thing happened
I saw this guy in my English class. He's pretty cute
during attendance I heard who he was and I was like
"OH MY FUCK"
cause he just happens to be some kid my friend tried to hook me up with
but we never met :/
It was weird.
maaaybe something will happen with that
maybe not
I don't really want it to
sure, it would be nice to have someone,
but I don't want that someone........

*sigh*
I feel stoopid

over-react

A lot

.

fucking fuck
I just have to keep fucking everything up don't I?
I have to say the worst thing at the worst time
and do the worst thing at the worst time
fuck
it
all

I hate boys

on my mind? a fucking boy
why? cause I'm stupid and hes drunk

I shouldn't talk to boys when they're drunk
they say things...that they don't even mean
but they make me fucking believe it
and now I feel like a loser

what the fuck is a blog?
I'm acting like its a fucking diary...is that okay?
whatever. its my blog
I can do whatever I want

HAHA
whatafreak
look at me
I'm so wound up
yay over a boy
urrrrgh
I need to stop letting people be able to do this to me
for all I know hes not even real

I'm here
He's there
and thats most likely how its going to stay

*sigh*

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I don't think anything pisses me off more than people telling me someone else has a worse life than me
example
"Because she has a messed-up life. And you don't"

bull-fucking-shit
everyone has shit in their life, and no one has the right to tell anyone that they don't have a messed up life
just cause I don't go around talking about all my problems doesn't mean I DON'T HAVE THEM!

I hate people
all people

MOTHERFUCKING YES!
TODAY IS HERE
AND MARIANAS TRENCH IS TOO!!!

I have been waiting for this moment for three mother fucking years

so fucking excited cant even control anything!!!!!!!

"so are you going into college next year?"

WHAT!?!
NOOO!
I'm 15, I've still got 2 years left of highschool.

I hate it when people think I'm so much older than I actually am.
It makes me feel so awkward
"so you're like 18, right?"
"ummm, uggh....no, actually.....I'm *cough*15"
Then I feel so young and immature

I wish I looked my age

is stupud whats he point ya know?
hahaha
its like not fun
its broing
your'e doing nothing.
its not fun
whats fun is being awake
yaaaah

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO

I still don't get this blogging thing

anyways
I hate looking at pictures of ex's or crushes or whatever
especially the really hot ones
Its not fair
cause everything comes flying back
goodtimes
badtimes
it suuucks assssssss

someone remind me to never share my dream with the person who's actually in the dream.

I woke up feeling so happy about this dream
but as soon as I tell him, I hate it.
It's not that I thought more about it and realized it was a shitty dream
It was his reaction to my dream

I was hoping he would say something cute about it
but he didn't


Asshole is never gonna hear another one of my dreams ever again




Oh
someone remind me to ask Nora to analyze it later, too.