Day Dreamer

about.. a lot of things right now.
I don't know exactly what is is.
But I'm still feeling like I'm fucking everything up
like being here with dad
I'm supposed to spend time with him... and talk to him.
But I'm not.

I'm pushing him away

for example
yesterday
he tried to hug me. and I pushed him off of me.
not just a little push.
a big one. he almost fell over.

I know as soon as I get back to mums she's gonna ask me how it went
what does she want me to say?
"yeah mom, it was great"
I don't know why. But I just feel like I can't get close with my dad anymore
cause everytime I do....I fuck it up

Like when we went to Bermuda
That whole time I felt like we were becoming so much closer.
then on the day we leave he fucking tells me he had a girlfriend for the past 6 months
And suddenly...everything that happened in Bermuda totally disappeared

I wonder how it makes him feel that the only thing that I can remember from that trip is him telling us about fucking Sandra


I don't even know how I feel about him.
The only reason I'm in this fucking house is for this room
The only place on the entire planet that I can go and be by myself
The only place I can just sit and cry and not have to worry about anything
The only place I can escape from the world

I need this place...


Bubba wants to take me shopping for my birthday
she gave me 100 dollars cash in a cute little "Happy Birthday Granddaughter" card.
I don't want to go shopping
I feel fat in everything I try on
nothing fucking fits the way I want it to.
Either my boobs are too big
or my fucking thighs are too big

I wish for once something didn't fit because I was too small

I feel so ugly and gross and fat all the time.
I honestly would rather be anyone else but me.

plus...I've been feeling like I really need to....uhm.
and I can't go shopping if there is fucking...whatever



I wish I could just crawl into a deep dark whole forever
no one would even notice I was gone anyways